Who Do You Want To Be In Your Relationships?

Do you keep score?

Mar 03, 2021

Do you keep a mental scorecard with friends, co-workers or even loved ones? What I mean is keeping score of who empties the dishwasher, makes the bed, or takes the trash out, more often.

Relationships, healthy relationships are an a critical part of being happy. Who we surround ourselves with and the strength and depth of those relationships can be a source of light or darkness. They can bring us comfort or make us miserable. It's not always possible to completely eliminate the toxic relationships in our lives, but we can limit them. And more importantly, we can BE the kind of person we wish we had as a friend.

It could be that growing up one or both of your parents were imperfect. And maybe they still are. They never fulfilled the idea you had of what a good mom or dad should be. Has it inspired you to be a different kind of parent?

What if your co-worker is always asking you to solve their problems and never seems to want to help you. Do you have an old friend who never reaches out to call or see you. You always seem to have to be the one to initiate everything.

It is so easy to keep a mental scorecard. What I have found when being brutally honest with myself is that I am usually more lenient with my own flaws than my friends. It’s just so much fun to play the victim.

I think it is human nature as well. I realized years ago that I am the kind of person who loves to keep in touch with friends. After college, I was the one who always made the first call to my friends. Many almost never initiated a call. And yet we always enjoyed our talks and times together.

I let it really bother me for a long time. And one day I realized that I am just someone who makes staying in touch a priority. And that is the kind of friend I want to be. It’s easy for me, and I enjoy it and as soon as I decided not to keep a scorecard, I was happier.

An added benefit is that I do a lot of networking. My practice has helped me be the networker who does follow up to initiate a coffee or further meeting. That has been invaluable for my businesses. Many of my friends have been acquired because I make that effort.

Almost always, when I think about it, my friends, family, and co-workers usually bring qualities to our relationship that I am not so good at. I have had to learn to be more observant and grateful for what others bring. It's a whole lot easier to be the victim. Maybe it's just lazier to be the victim. I work to have the intention to be more mindful and honest with myself so that I can be the kind of friend I truly want to be.

It is so easy to rack up points against our spouse or kids. And my epiphany about my friends made me rethink my need to one up people in my family. I decided to choose the kind of person I wanted to be in each relationship. And keeping score only causes me hurt and resentment.

My mom was incredibly inspirational in many ways, but for years she didn’t seem to make me or any of us kids one of her priorities. I remember driving an hour to visit with her. After about a 15-minute chat she announced that her friend had just called to ask her for lunch at her multi million dollar home. I understood, right? No, actually I was quite hurt.

But I remembered my decision to just be the daughter that I wanted to be, to learn a lesson so that I would be a different kind of mom. And to appreciate the time I did have with her. Time is fleeting, and now that she is gone, I am so grateful that I sloughed off the small stuff.

I continually ask myself, who do I want to be in this relationship. I work hard not to fall back on the easy, “who should they be in this relationship for me to think it’s enough”. It helps my disappointment level and it makes me happier!