What Habit is the Surest Way to Kill Relationships?

Both at home and at work.

Can you guess the secret?

Most of us are loving and caring people eager to jump in and help others. I know I am and do. In fact I have always thought of it as my other “job” and the joy of my life to help people in any way I can. I have lived long enough to have collected lots of great info. I have spent well over 20 years on personal development. I am a certified happiness trainer and coach, so my brain is filled with a lot of really fantastic tidbits of knowledge.

I love to share it with my family, friends, co-workers and anyone who will listen. I tend to be someone that people open up to and have always been. Friends told me for years that I should be a therapist. All of that makes me feel good. But it can also be deadly for relationships, any relationships. There is a downside.

What do I mean? Advice giving is often not only off putting, but it can make people clam up. The old adage is that women go to men to dump their feelings, men want to solve their problems, and women get pissed off. We don’t want your advice. We just need to vent. We aren’t you and your style isn’t our style. Anyone ever been on either side of that kind of rift?

I know I have. I remember when I was married and wanted to lose some weight. My then husband said, “Great, where are you now and where do you want to end up? I will make a chart for the fridge.” The fact that I still remember it 25 years later is testament to the fact that my first response was to want to throw a shoe at him. Needless to say, we didn’t put up a chart.

So what is this secret of relationship success? It is something I have had to learn, and I am not great at it unless I remind myself and really make a very conscious and almost painful for me, effort at it. It is to deeply listen. It is to listen and ask, “say more”. Or to just repeat what they said and empathize. It is to continue asking questions, saying things like “that must have really been hurtful/painful/disappointing/difficult or something like that. And ask again, “tell me more.” Authentically and deeply listening. There is a reason we have two ears and one mouth.

Being a glass half full type, I want to jump in and find the bright side, and that is the exact wrong thing to do. Sadly, most of my life I did not know it. Listening deeply is so far from my natural instinct that it is painful, and I have to be vigilant to do it. I often fail. But I am learning.

Why is it magic? Because most people’s fervent wish is to be heard, and not judged. It is to have someone authentically understand. This works with family (kids especially), friends, and at work. The truly amazing thing is that when I do this, I feel good too. I feel a much deeper connection to the person I am talking to. And of course, when someone does this for me, I feel truly loved and honored.

It slows the conversation down, allows for space and room for thought from the person talking. It gives them time to really go deeper. Ironically, when we are quick to offer advice, it shuts down the conversation, even though our intentions are for the opposite.

I am going to warn you. This is VERY HARD to do. It is more than hard. But so worth it. If you manage people, they will become loyal to you, and talk you up. If you do this with your kids, they may even transform from grumpy teens to pleasant people. And if you do it in a relationship, it may just be transformative.

If you are the boss, at group or one on one meetings, be the last to talk. Your employees want to please you and will take their cue from you, and rarely contradict. When you learn to deeply listen with no judgement, you allow them to bring their creative ideas to you. I wonder how many great innovations have died because creative people put a filter on their best ideas. It has also been proven that people perform a lot better when they don’t feel stressed or judged. They are happier. Happiness radiates to others.

One of my intentions for 2021 is to become a much better listener. To give people in my life some space. To allow them to blossom or complain or open up to their pain and just to be there. Want to join me?

Betsy Smith

Certified Happy For No Reason trainer and coach

Betsyrsmith@mac.com

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